Today I came home from church overwhelmed by life and came this close to cancelling my own birthday party which was scheduled for 5:30 this evening. Ramsey sent me to bed for a nap.
I slept for two and a half hours, which was great except for all the weird, vivid dreaming.
Here's a snippit. Ramsey and I were on a plane. In fact, we were the only ones on the plane. No pilot, no one. For some reason, this fact didn't seem to be concerning us at all until an automated plane voice came on with an announcement. Something about the fact that the plane was low on fuel and so would be--- the rest of the announcement wasn't very clear. I ran into the cockpit to discover that apparantly the fact that the plane was running out of fuel meant that it was going to be crashing. I yelled for Ramsey to come land the plane, he yelled back something about not knowing how to fly planes, I started trying to tell him to reconsider that ("it's easy, you lift the thing up to do one thing, and lower it to do something else---") but really didn't have time to finish persuading him when it became obvious there just wasn't going to be time to figure it out. A gigantic skyriser was looming in front of us- there were levels of balconies on the outside and we were so close to the building that I could see the shock registering on the faces of the people standing on them when they saw our plane flying at them, then the people turning to run away. I thought something like, "so this is what if feels like just before you crash a plane", then I closed my eyes, grabbed the armrests of my seat with both hands, and prayed (fervently!), "Jesus, the only possible way this plane can not crash, is if You land it!" I felt the front of the plane lift straight up, then loop backwards, roller-coaster style. I kept my eyes closed even when it levelled out, and kept them closed as I felt the wheels hit tarmac. When I opened my eyes, we were sitting on a runway. My hands were still clutching the armrests.
Take from that what you will.
Here's the latest- Holt (our international agency) asked us to fill out some very detailed questionnaires, and also have our home study agency submit a draft of our still-being-completed home study, for their and Thailand's consideration as they decide whether or not to allow us to move forward with adopting Chloe. We booked it to get our questionnaires completed, then learned that our home study agency's protocol doesn't allow for submitting incomplete home studies. So our case worker diligently continued working away at our home study as we waited on one remaining document (a letter from our health insurance) to come in. Last week our case worker gave us a copy of the home study to review for factual errors- so close to the end! Then she submitted it to the agency for review, and the insurance letter arrived. Last night she called us to get a few final details nailed down, then was going to be sending the home study in to our agency. It will get one final review there on Monday, then will be forwarded to Holt.
I think last night somehow the weight of the impending decisions just sank in all the more. As soon as this week or next, or as far away as who knows when, we'll be getting real answers as far as whether or not we can adopt Chloe. Another dream- I dreamt last night that I answered a phone call from Holt, and, as I began to realize the direction the phone call was taking, I began to wake up. The dream continued in that fog-like mid-way between sleep and wakefulness state until I realized, "I don't have to dream this," and shut it off. Nice to be able to shut off news that you don't want to hear.
I go back and forth between thinking of all the positive things that we have going for us and why they really should say yes, and realizing all the things that they will be counting against us. When I'm in an especially low place, I wonder if they would be right. Part of me can't wait to hear the answer. And if the answer is no, part of me doesn't want to ever hear the answer.
I told God that if we can't adopt her, to please, please give her another family. Then that reminded me of the story of Solomon and the two women with the one baby- so I asked God, "Doesn't that make me her real mother, then?"
I could babble on and on, because that's pretty much where I'm at right now. But, ultimately, God knows. And, ultimately, we trust God. We are praying, praying, praying. We are watching videos, and looking at pictures, and reading the write-up, for the 37 millionth time, and falling more and more in love. This is hard.